Saturday, May 30, 2009 / 12:46 PM
"...Actually, when I was in backstage seeing them, their simple direct stares were really shocking me. In live performance, I saw Junsu singing the last part of the song just like he’s shouting a story, a heartbreak which was hard to be told. At that point, my tears fell down..."
i wished what i do with my everyday, the words i say, would sometimes touch you too, because in all honesty, i give my all. Sometimes to the point of helplessness. Sometimes, my harshness reflect the heartbreak i feel when i see you doing something which makes you less than who you should, and can be.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009 / 2:19 PM
a facade once broken shatters the faith.
i hope it's not too late to realise how far you strayed from my ideal.
and no, in my ideal, u are NOT perfect.
but that's fine because neither am i.
but truth in my face.
so starkly obscene. it disturbs me.
that in reality, you are far from this imperfect image i have of you.
in truth, you make me feel like i've failed.
as your mentor and friend for the past 18 months.
in truth, you have not been honest.
either because you didnt feel like you need to, or simply, you did not trust me enough to help you.
of course in your world, your friends are most important.
your friends, the same ones who bought alcohol for you, the same ones who talked incessantly to you during class, the ones you laughed with, smsed to during lessons.
are they really being good friends to you?
they are your friends because they share your sorrows, joys and pains.
but your parents wait to hear what you want to say to them too.
have you given them a chance?
they are the ones who will cry when they see me,
do you know their pain? Have you heard their pain?
you'd rather turn to your friends who are your BIGGEST hurdle to excelling and being more than who you can be.
is it sensible?
have you been a good friend and peer to those you claim you love?
i have a class of smart kids. some born with natural talents and skills.
yet the brightest of you fail to achieve.
instead use your wits in all the wrong places.
planning and scheming how to get around the rules, around Mr Tan, so that you won't be caught. so that you won't get into too much trouble.
you spend so much time scheming and planning and thinking through your plans that you don't even look yourself in that mirror and realise.
you have already failed. even before you execute your grand plans of what would be wrong and illegal.
you have already failed, because you failed yourself.
lie to everyone.
but God knows.
and YOU know. exactly what you have done wrong. where you have gone wrong.
Stop pointing fingers at others.
stop blaming your parents because they don't pay attention to you.
they are earning money to pay for that very hp and very clothes you are wearing now.
stop blaming your teachers. you have one essay to write. one worksheet to finish. they have 40 each time.
stop blaming the school, the weather, the lack of this and that.
if you feel the school is not gd enough for you, you are free to change one.
perhaps a year later, it'll all be different,
perhaps you can keep deluding ourselves to think that this rebelliousness is just a phase.
perhaps you can convince yourself with your pathetic excuses that you are alright, it's the system that's not.
keep convincing yourself ok.
because no one around is convinced for sure
Saturday, May 16, 2009 / 4:07 PM
::libing thinks michelle is like junsu now::
how can a voice move another millions of miles away?
how you surprise me again and again?
the miracle of your voice that gets me lifted, that starts me feeling, and thinking...
how?
a voice like yours, surely more than just a gift from god.
and those who know you, understands those fears you once endured.
everytime you sing, you unlease every ounce of you, as though its your last time singing...
like a child with nothing left. so careful, yet not wanting to hold back either
listening to every word, sung with such care,
i can already paint pictures of you on stage, closed eyes, focusing only on the voice that springs like magic from you.
i can only see the strained veins in your throat
but you will feel the tiredness and energy zapped up.
your voice. it paints stories. wow.
hang in there, u who are injured and all.
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keeping believing, since we believe in the same Him above.
im rooting for you, with all my love and prayers,
from this sunny, lil island.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 / 6:49 AM
amid the marking of 13 piles, the teacher came across something which touched her enough to make her drop that red pen just for a sec.
ok. maybe a few secs. :)
it's amazing isnt it, to be able to say Yes to someone else, and with that word, commit the rest of your life to The Other. He/ She automatically becomes most important above all else. Home becomes the place to go, not the clubs, not just chilling out. Nope, Home for dinner, or rather, anywhere with The Other.
This month alone, i'll be seeing 4 sweet couples say Yes. and they are all dear friends iv grown up with over the years. Then, there's another 2 friends, and these are dearer than the ones mentioned, who arent getting this month, but have wedding blogs for me to plough through, and experience their joy and nuptial prep chaos online. wow. So much work. There leaves little to comment, except to look on, and soak in the bliss of this two lovely people, and their lovely Other.
Carol, we havent met up yet! :( but it's great to see that after having survived all the silly young girl crushes we had, and painful, sometimes pointless relationships God put us through, you found Keat. and i know, just by looking at you, he's perfect for you. (anyone who can make you run 4.8km has to be really special)
Shu Huang, i'm glad that your wedding fund, and wedding ring fund has finally found a purpose! Just looking at your wedding blog makes me feel immensely touched and happy for the two of you. You guys look perfect, yes, even bunny, the hammy murderer. But im glad, underneath it all, ure still the Ho Shu Huang i remember very fondly. The one who ate Boon Tong Kee with me, while mugging over the stacks of printed History readings which left me rather, and still, lost. :) God bless you both lovelies.
So ya, emo-ed enough, (in the words of my students). it's back to reality. no, there's no bitterness that im not getting married yet. Really. my finance minister tells me that we don't have enough. But what does he know, i have a secret stash, highly valued, hanging around, and it's growing steadily. Heh.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009 / 10:47 PM
just my trusty tolfie and toho, with me this tonight.
the hype during dance class, slowed as the crowds dispersed
for once in a long time, i feel completely free.
free from the demands of lessons and piles to be marked
finally a late night out, without any sense of guilt.
At last. a truly rested michelle.
it's like i have exactly what i've yearned for all this while,
and im clutching it tightly within my fists, unwilling to let it go
But come friday, the mad rush will begin again
Again, i'll ride on the pretext of late nights and movies,
trying to convince myself that they really take my mind off the demands and stress at school
so just one more day
let me own this true liberation for just 24 hrs more.
let me not listen to the things i need to do,
and let me do what i really want to.
i want to laugh with my students and chat with my friends
i want to be curled up in bed, when it's pouring in the wee hours of the night.
i want to tuck my feet beneath me, and read a book, reaching out for that iced grande caramel mac once in a while.
i want....i want...i want....
can you give me what i want?
Monday, May 04, 2009 / 10:07 AM
the first gift i received was the velvet sky, lit with stars that hung so bright
the second were friends, singing, laughing, chatting, oh what a sight!
texts, facebook messages flooded as midnight struck
from all the sweeties who loved enough to remember
and im grateful even to the munchkins in school
for singing aloud as i entered the room
for presenting me the stuffed flowers
which started off my crazy week to an awesome start
and it's all because of you.
WHAK, JEM, PRINCESSES, LONGTIME OLDIES, EMMAUSWALK, 2E5,3E3
with all my love,
the teacher behind the cubicle
"so somewhere in my youth or childhood
i must have something good"
