Monday, July 28, 2008 / 8:45 PM
the little sweet moments
A Lil Surprise
my heart jittered as i await your keys at the door. Wishing now i had tealights, and perhaps a bit more. :) but just glad now, that i thought of this. That i still want to spark off the little loving in you...well, my dear, you are the best i have now, though imperfect and all. Loving me's the best gift i could ever have from you...
Thursday, July 24, 2008 / 3:24 PM
I Feel Alive!
i like this sense of energy bubbling through me, as i cleared my paperwork today. The sense of freedom and lightened burden, knowing that i'm ticking on my mental checklist of work. I felt little moments of gratification, when i saw the students willing to question and figure out a difficult source in history class. To have the usual noisy boys scratch their head, ransack their brains for an answer that might receive my nod of approval. A little narcissistic you may feel, but that moment, i felt useful. Such an irony. I felt most useful, when i made the grand announcement of which no answer would be given, until and unless, everyone has come up with their answers. :) Brilliant move to make these munchkins work.
on a more personal note. Ms Lin is uber happy, being Michelle again last night on the familiar parquet floor of the dance studio. why is it so simple to order my limbs to move the way the instructors want it, but so difficult when i think of the mechanisms behind managing a class, motivating students blah blah blah. My mind switches on when i see challenges on the floor. The most gratifying moment is when you walk away realizing another move your body could make, which you never imagined you could before. The jumps, turns, the speed at which you could move, all in between the beat of the music, fascinates me and brings the competitive Michelle back.
there's so much more i want to achieve on the dancefloor, in this realm of music and movement. There's so much which awaits me, which makes me breathe harder, feel less pain, with every second more i spend in the studio, working out my flaws. Why cant i live with these flaws and hiccups in school? why so reluctant to change and move in school? Having a tough time with that one.
Almost the end of the week! i know something more awaits me tonight! Can hardly wait! more moves, more grooves, more inspiring figures!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 / 12:59 PM
it's still raining
and inside, instability rumbles on
apprehension, perplexity weaves through the efforts to stay positive and energetic
so she keeps her distance
just watching
the rain..
her mind is not where her heart is
her words not spoken from her heart
somewhere, a detachment from this place she's stuck in
this phase, at this momentum, this pace
no energy to run, fly or leap into the sky
she watches her reflection in the window, slowly rolling by
smoothly but surely
that's the most she can give
but her heart is not in
not today,
it's raining.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 / 11:42 AM
when i look at them, the little ones in green, who smile back at me so innocently, who cry and kick a fuss when they are cornered and frustrated with what they do not think they have, i realise that even with the decade and years between us, we are not as different as we think we might be.
On the same note, i try to imagine the average woman on the streets. The nothing-special woman (if they do exist), the one who walks by you, and you do not notice. The one who may at home be hidng behind the covers of Female and Her World, wishing she was one of them featured in there for her killer fashion sense. Is she at her thirties, wishing she was special too? wishing she had done something she could be proud of? Something which did not seem to long ago, which she would find it worthy to share with her children?
Along these lines i go, wondering and pondering and another thought pops up. Why do we even think our stories might not be worthy for the ears of our children? hmmm insecurity check #1, and also, some self realization, it's not good enough for me just to have accomplished something in the recent past. It doesnt motivate me, doesnt keep me going. I lose my energy/ spark and drive. I lose the michelle i used to like having around. The one who was dead certain about her goals/ dreams/ direction/ desires/ abilities. The one who could turn her head and walk off, without doubt, regrets or uncertainty. It seems strange that only at a quarter of a century do i question my identity, who i am, and what i've become. It's a insane innate struggle which needs to be slotted into the Reality. The reality is that realm where im not alwaz in control. the realm where i don't always like what i do, who i meet. The realm responsibilities and roles define who i am. The realm which sucks because im measured by how much i do, how tangible the contributions are, how i am subjected to scrutiny and others' definitions. tsk, looking at this paragraph, makes me seem as though im helpless and weak to change or shape anything--Which is NOT TRUE, so il get outta the way, start dancing more again, assuming that dance is where i build my esteem upon.
today, im lucky, sipping Christmas from the Starbucks bottle (Dark chocolate Peppermint Mocha rocks my world!). Having the seconds to be that girl staring out of the glass window, thinking of my life, my world, my failures, my emotional voids. I'm thinking how to correct them, fill them, change them, improve them, work at them, so i can become ME. ME is the ideal i seek in myself. ME is yet to be accomplished. ME is work and thoughts in progress. ME is the reflection of who i am not, and who i'm currently unhappy with. ME is what i hope will chase my insecurity and low esteem away... any ideas how to find ME?
i've been ranting, going in circles. Maybe this is what they are going through too. Lucky for me, i've stable solid friends being my mirrors, reflecting the recent past and the not so recent. To act as my history characters, reminding me of the chapters i've carelessly walked through, the stories and roles i've written and played, but forgotten. Mayb that's why at some point, we all wished we could go back in time. when i was in university, when i was 17 in CJC, another place, time, where i am not who i am now. Check #2: i'm clearly dissatisfied with who i am now, what im doing and who i've become.
but im contented, satisfied with what i have. the LIMS/ the PATS/ the NEOS/ the dancers/ the lifelong churchies/ the teachers/ his buddies/ the students/ the feet to still dance/ the money that allows me some freedom of expenditure and leisure. How do i reconcile this satisfaction with the external factors with the internal dissent?
this is just my point of view, the one you don't see, don't detect when im in front of you and smiling. I feel like im trapped sometimes, between who i am and who i can become. They take turns to play Michelle, depending on the situation and the mood.
This is my problemizing process, where i detect patterns in my life, and see how it is a problem, because only when i find it a problem, will i do something to correct it. good gracious to realize how elementary the working of the human mind.
Monday, July 21, 2008 / 3:58 PM
.....in the moments of feeling lost, and not knowing what i want, who i want to be,i remember yesterday, at bedok jetty, with the sun and waves as my backdropi turned around, to see you on your bikeand i know this surprise was for me....that was really sweet baby. chelle :) loves him :)
it keeps raining outsidewater splashing as i step into puddlestraindrops dotting up the clear windowwaves from puddles on the road, as cars drive bysmall pitter, big splashes, it just keeps raining.these days always makes me feel more surreal than usual,
a bit dreamy, a bit wanting to escape, from all this mundane reality.
i wish i could be sum1 else, more than what i am now
i wish you could reply, " don't worry, i understand how you feel." then, give my hand a lil squeeze
i know all these emotions would water with the dawn of another day..
till then, i wish..i wish...i wish for awhile,
i wasnt me.
Monday, July 14, 2008 / 11:20 PM
this week i teach adverbs, then similes and metaphors
and how apt it should be, to reflect my thoughts currently
During the weekend, i felt like a fresh budding rose,
petal by petal, i blossomed with the weekend,
nurtured by the desired company, showered with love, care, friendship, rest and all the other minerals a flower needs
then Sunday quickly comes round, just as the last petal peels open
the rose is now as big as my palm, fully spread, its petals like wings spreading out to reach every ounce of sunshine from every corner.
In the day, the blossomed rose was a pleasurable sight, bringing cheer, life to those who met her
Overnight, the rose remains, still and undisturbed
But Monday came along, like a threatening thunderstorm
too much water and drowned the rose
Too many things to handle, to be done within each day,
I go into all classes, not always do they cooperate.
I wish for more unstoppable Thursdays and "5/5 days"
but without these thunderstorms, i won't learn to appreciate the sunshine that follows right?
Like a child at night, she says her prayer
That the week will roll along smoothly, like a ball on marble floor
That she'll keep her cool to speak words that help and not hurt
That'll she touch their hearts, not push them further away.
btw my dear, congratulations on being a full fledged graduate 
Thursday, July 10, 2008 / 1:28 PM
my reflection scares me, i don't like what i seethe eyebags and the lines, under the eyes that used to shinethe hair, unkempt, dull, just blackwhen i look beyond the pimply skin, and unplucked browsit's another realm of fatiguemental, physical lack of energyLife's making me weaklast night i tossed and turnedi could not sleepkept waking up to the strange hours of the morningworried that i might oversleepi don't like this stress at the back of my headi don't like reading, yet worried about the stack of unmarked papersyou asked me if i was contented with what i have nowi couldn't replyi was contented with life. Once. some years beforei was once contented with the pursuit of dance, at school, at blast, at bugs and allcontent with having time to play tennis with who was special beforei was once contented with every inch of my lifenow. i am not.yet when i hear from you, or see you swing by,i cant help but feel that tinge of blissperhaps its only you nowthat i can thank god everynight aboutwhen did i lose that grateful me?the one i used to see in the mirrorthe reflection who had glow in her cheeksand a spring in her feet
Tuesday, July 08, 2008 / 10:53 PM
it feels as though she used up every ounce of energy she could muster
to enjoy and maximise the long weekend
whether it was mahjong, indulgent dinners, rollerblading, tennis
she gave it all she had, only so she could run away from what awaited her on Tuesday
- the alarm at 615am
- another day closer to her second session with the sec 4s
- preparing work to challenge her history class
- having to feel bigger than she really is in class
Dreadful....waiting. Waiting to find back the energy to will Dread away.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008 / 1:37 PM
We dance without plans, or pratice
within a small confined area.
taking mini steps..
listening to his humming of songs, whose lyrics he can't remember.
i can close my eyes, and rest upon his chest.
and let him lead
in this dance of life, with him. :)
the little sweet moments
