Friday, February 27, 2009 / 12:14 PM
i need to cross this hurdle. My own, by myself.
to stop looking from the inside and frowning at what i see.
this emotional rollercoaster i put myself through,
being over the moon at simple pleasures, little achievements
then letting all that i've built up,
crash down on me when i make a mistake.
they always say, "as long as you learn.."
but still, a mistake. an inconvenience.
damage done. impressions left.
then what?
sometimes, it's the need to unlearn
unlearning criticisms
learning acceptance.
unlearning looking towards greener pastures,
learning to appreciate the present.
among this ramble and tangled thoughts
some stark dislikes about who i know i am.
selfish, causing hindrance.
at some point, thinking i'm okay with myself,
than suddenly feeling small.
so easily i lose my faith in me.
so carelessly, i trample on my i thought iv built.
it's like building on wobbly foundations.
climbing and climbing,
but one easy bump, and it hits rock bottom.
then at the bottom, you sit in despair, feeling like the glorious days were just a bunch of lies you've successfully woven around you
looking around, you see the shards of events and thoughts.
the good, the bad ones. broken
you don't know what to pick up,
what is real, or true?
where do you start?
how do i start. *desperation rising*rambling is bad.it's like i dig right in, confront it in my face.unable to tolerate the lousy person i am, even after existing for more than a quarter of a century and the tears just choke, holding them in, before they spill over those wet rims.
Friday, February 20, 2009 / 8:51 AM
looking hard into my reflection
the flaws and cracks i see
Once, i probably hated what was before me
yet now i survey it with a new honesty
Liberating, this sense of self awareness
to be completely in know of where my wrongs lie
Because beyond this i see a much better person
i want and aim to be
they say, give yourself time to grow
as impatient i am to endure this imperfection.
perhaps age does this.
age brings wisdom and the knowledge of the goodness in change
yet change is crippled by the fear to wander into the unknown
so some choose to remain that way
along the way, we stop growing with age.
we leave scars to heal,
we avoid wounds by doing the routine
if fortunate,
we become completely at ease with the list of negatives we see.
Will you take up the challenge to see to every change
can a heart really b so open to admitting the wrong that we bear?
will i?
Friday, February 13, 2009 / 2:07 PM
recharged with a day's rest and an hr in God's presence
armed with Deflam, Decold and other strange coloured, flavoured pills
Miss Lin is back in business! :)
would say that lessons went well today with 2E4 and 2E5,
little moments which cheered up this faint heart
- When i announced that Weisheng's essay got chosen for Vday contest
- When Ser Khee spoke to me, *i thot she'd still be mad at me*
- When 2E4 and 2E5 attentively listened and contributed ideas for elaboration of points.
these things are like little garden lamps that light up so slightly the dark pathways. :) --they keep me going on this teaching journey.
and amid the sick and troubled week,
miss lin is thankful for many things
like GLAM, her new wallet,
like JEMMIE sending me to school, sleepy as he is
like having Adeline to walk, dine and visit Ikea with me
like enjoying a cuppa and a good laugh with him at coffeebean in the midst of the day.
like having the deep seated thrill and excitment planning his vday pressie
So i close my teaching week, again with plenty to mark, but with a happy heart! :)
--skipping and breathing again
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 / 12:21 PM
Do you hear me,I'm talking to youAcross the water across the deep blue oceanUnder the open sky oh my, baby I'm tryingBoy I hear you in my dreamsI feel your whisper across the seaI keep you with me in my heartYou make it easier when life gets hardI'm lucky I'm in love with my best friendLucky to have been where I have beenLucky to be coming home again OooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohooohThey don't know how long it takesWaiting for a love like thisEvery time we say goodbyeI wish we had one more kissI'll wait for you I promise you, I willI'm lucky I'm in love with my best friendLucky to have been where I have beenLucky to be coming home againI'm lucky we're in love in every wayLucky to have stayed where we have stayedLucky to be coming home somedayAnd so I'm sailing through the seaTo an island where we'll meetYou'll hear the music, feel the airI'll put a flower in your hairThough the breezes through trees Move so pretty you're all I seeAs the world keeps spinning roundYou hold me right here right nowI'm lucky I'm in love with my best friendLucky to have been where I have beenLucky to be coming home againI'm lucky we're in love in every wayLucky to have stayed where we have stayedLucky to be coming home someday
Monday, February 09, 2009 / 4:46 PM
i don't want to slouch and snap,
dragging my feet, to and fro the day
i don't want to glare and grumble
missing out on the good things brings my way
i don't want to lose my hype, or let fatigue eat away my energy
i don't want to plough and penalize
script after script of crappy writing
i don't want to go through the week,
without living, and breathing
i don't want to doze off everynight in the midst of something,
only to wake up and realize, it's another day already
i don't want to say NO to friends,
or miss dates because i have this, or that.
i don't want to...i don't want to....i don't want...........
make me high again. make me live again. make me skip again.
Saturday, February 07, 2009 / 2:00 AM
woke up at an obnoxious hour today. 12.45am. all the discipline and list of to-dos for the weekend gave way to the fatigue accumulated throughout this week. nothing in me wanted to wake up. in reality i knew, my body already concussed before i hit the pillows.
my first time clocking 12 hr work days, 5 days, in a week.
work-life balance? nil.
i am upset by it, the lack of time and place to do my core duty--prepare lessons
this week, tests saved me.
but come next week, what would be my excuse.
i realise the reason why i dont want to take up higher positions, or go on the fast track.
i dun want to sleep through the velvet sky, or miss the stars which sparkles at night
i dun want to rush from point to point, achieving your objectives and not mine
i dun want to have a checklist at the back of my head, nagging at me 24-7
i want to have time, to pause and think of frivolous things which makes me happy
i want to fall aslp after 2 hrs of drama serial
i want to wake up to saturday, feeling refreshed,
not worrying abt the amount of work i need to clear
so i close this tired week 5,
still seeing students on saturday morning, (the bonus: im dancing with them)
with 80 eng essays, 80 hist test papers, and lessons to plan for wk 6.
just for now, let me wonder,
when will this week to week frenzy end?
Tuesday, February 03, 2009 / 12:58 AM
had a flip through old photos.
amid the surreality of my present state,
i missed a big part of that past.
where i caught every tennis match federer played,
where my life's pride and glory stemmed from dance alone.
where i was IT, not past tense
where i never questioned where i was and why i was there.
it seemed only natural.
dance, seemed like what i was made to do.
Not now though. Somewhat slipping from former glories. Into the slumps of the unknown
Picking up in areas i never knew, yet still occasionally looking back over my shoulder, in limbo,
Not alwaz moving forward as much as i would like, yet not climbing to the former.
Liminality. A sudden check on where i am,
and a fear creeps in so subtlely.
A thought flashes quickly across my mind.
"What if im nowhere?"
Monday, February 02, 2009 / 9:53 AM
your relief is mine to keep
your laughter, my reminder
despite not looking forward this new Mon and what it offered
the little teacher is finding a lot more joy than she thought
you leave no space or room for doubt
you catch me when i'm turning corners
you shelter me from what Unexpected brings
there is no closer friend, who knows me more than i do
it doesnt even take a shift of my gaze, for you to know what i want to say
you fill my sentences when i'm at a loss for words
you send just the right peeps, to pull me through life
you are the reason why my life rocks right now
you are a friend, mentor and everything in one
and you are the one in everything i meet
im blessed truly
through christmas, new year and now chinese new year..
2009 is truly awesome for whom he calls the lil one
my prized and beloved,
with love from Him.
