Wednesday, April 30, 2008 / 11:58 PM
a lil touch of jesus whispers, enough to clear that muddle in my mind
a gentle breeze on a humid summer night, his way of sorting out my tangled emotions
here i am living in the high of my life,
in the embrace of my family, boyfriend, a decent career, friends i'll invite to my wedding, dears who are just a click away on MSN,
anytime, anyplace, i know, that god is awaiting to catch me, or prod me along the right way.
How could i let myself sink in that dilemma
and his voice is clear in my head,
the reason why i stood at crossroads
because he was prodding me to give up that struggle and just go ahead with what i already knew was right.
"That's the way i'll win back your dignity...i knew i did not make the wrong choice"
These words seem to affirm what the Big Daddy wants of me, and has showered me with to get me thru.
So i take your hand and give it a gentle squeeze, knowing that in your heart, you hear my humming too. You sing the same tune... :)
and as the song goes, and i will run to you
to your words of truth
not by might, nor by power
but by the spirit of God
and i will run the race
till i see your face
oh let me live in the glory of your grace
so i know, il look beautiful in the presence of your grace Lord, because iv followed what i think is right. Lead me Lord on your path, Guide us to work on Your plans, Bless our lips and limbs to speak of what you want to be heard. Your will be done Father.
in a dilemma over what to do
either choice i make, i fear what i might lose
my pride at stake, but you are more important
yet if i gulp the fears away, what would i await?
finally the toy i've wanted forever, yet now, im told to share
reluctant i would be, yet for you, i might just have to care
i gave up once before, in hopelessness, and grieve
but it came back to me, willing, decided
can i trust what's in my hands,
even with my fingers unfurled
can i trust my heart to love
even when i've let you go
it's my daily struggle, at the back of my head
can i sustain or lose my battle
there's the part i cant negate
So much i need to free
from the back of my mind
wandering in my mind,
caught between whiffs of thoughts that form walls which stops me in my tracks
paused
the thoughts stop awhile
just to weave again
but the bell alerts, as i tear my gaze away,
from the screen where some thoughts are being laid
reality calls, this time, to my relief
Tuesday, April 29, 2008 / 3:05 PM
they may knock you around, and test your patience. Yet you never stopped the smile you render. You never saw the need to raise you voice. Sitting at a nearby corner, i could only give you mental strength and hope my physical presence acts like a support too. Listening to you preach, (oops i mean teach) reminded me of the good old days. Those days where we held onto the phone, for hours we would go on, you trying to knock some maths sense into me, and i trying to make light of triangles and graphs. I hated it, but you made it bearable, just like now.
Like me, they needed that someone, to give them extra time, extra attention. Like them, maths was simple a muddled mess of senseless numbers and formulas which my life did not require. but God bless your soul! for having the kind eyes and caring voice. For just reminding but never scolding. For reminding me of what i could be, or rather, should be.
you're sweet, you're dear, you're the lil one i love, the lil one who occupies the biggest space in my heart...i couldnt ask for more, not for your arms around me, for the serials you watch with me, and bearing up with me while i gush n mush over other Asian hunks..I couldnt ask for more.. i think you're the most i need le leh fat.t :) *melts*
Sunday, April 27, 2008 / 11:34 PM
“你接下来的五十年我要定了”
---martian to hobbit
been pampered this week. dat boy brought me out, dried my tears, swallowed my stress and loved me in all the ways he knew how. he's even teaching the nottiest kids i have. thank god for him. cheers to our laughter, joy, tears, pain and our every moment spent being truly in love...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 / 8:37 AM
it's as if i never saw it in a your light
standing in your shoes,
i forgot to see from your eyes
so it's not just you, it's me too
both worn out along the way
perhaps we both forgot to give each other that break
to breathe and recharge, before we trudged on again
in my little moments of pride
iv recounted all your sacrifices
and was met with gaze of awe and envy
but feeling that cold hard stab of reality now
id change and give up all that
just to have a lighter, happier you
when you're down, il be here to bring that sunshine into your life again
when you're discouraged, il be your greatest conviction
when you're tired, il hold all that you are and push you along
when all else fails, il remind you to keep your head up
we'll wait till this grey cloud clears, and wait for the ray to come thru again
we'll stop for a breather, to walk a further road
we'll hook our lil pinkies, when energy depletes us
when we feel each other there, we know we'll never be alone
and once in a while, that beep goes off
painting a gentle smile on my face
a message of love, belief and care
a message to bring your face to mind,
and to make me feel at ease again
martianfat.tporkchopbabydeardarlingjem
-aishiteru-
Thursday, April 17, 2008 / 5:49 PM
it becomes easier
one deep breath at a time
it becomes smoother
one smile, one push
you're out of my mind
chasing away you
you evil thoughts
you who wear me out and keep me tied
refusing to let my spirit be defeated
refusing to let my shoulders droop
inch me more towards the edge,
the stronger i'll fight
the quicker the mind will work to retaliate
don't let what you see fool you
don't let that smile unfurl
don't let the fingers roll in a fist
don't make me the fighter i can be
*thanks yello for hanging in there with me
through the wee hours of the darkened mornings
till the scorching afternoons
thanks for loving this face that changes from yellow- grey
all in one day :)
you're my Fat.Tish
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever :D
Saturday, April 12, 2008 / 10:48 PM
lovely sunday at del mar
where two bums lazed and chilled
enjoying the breeze and sunshine on our faces...just catching every precious second in our hands
for a long time, water ceased to flow,
and land that was luscious and green became a dessert
dry and unsustainable
the abundance growth withered
without sunlight and rain
life paused
its been so long since i was refreshed,
renewed the way you renewed me lord
this entry is entirly for you,
for the confidence you've restored in me,
for the faith you've injected
thank you seems an understatement to my transformation
i could only come humbly in your presence,
sinned, pained, rejected, tired and weary
where your light in me has been put out by the paths iv taken,
the wrong choices iv made.
thank you lord above all,
for restoring that peace, the unfaltering faith
seeing you so big and MAGNIFIED in my life again
to feel your power surge from the cross
Friday was an amazing day...because despite being overwhelmed with fatigue,
i was refreshed in HIS greatness
it's still comforting,
it still warms my heart
to see the scenes of my family and you at church,
praising, worshipping together
to be touched by the same thoughts and trust in God
to be soaked in his love and grace that night
to be prayed over,
to hold your hand
to pray, praise the mighty God above
i believe it was his will that we went ahead,
and since friday,
ive never looked back
at the baggages which he lifted
the gnawing pride, pain that plagued me for months
only confidence now
to walk ahead with you
to move forward
with HIM watching our backs
why should i ever doubt or be afraid?
i love you daddie, mummie, nicki and grannie dear...
i love you jem
and above all,
i love you most God,
for without you,
i would not be blessed with these resurging moments of bliss and love
Friday, April 11, 2008 / 9:45 AM
don't be shaken, by the rain and the wind
don't be afraid by thoughts that creep up from behind
don't lose faith, because you fear fear itself
don't lose heart, for love will be lost
dwell on the present
what you see, feel, sense, hear and love
dwell on his sound of laughter, ringing with yours
soak in the bliss of the morning and nigh
indulge in the simplicity of meals between you too
for that's where his heart is, that's where his love shows
through his daily little acts
listen to what his hands and eyes tell you,
not just his words
listen to his heart that beats next to yours
note his comfort
this is where the future lies
in the vast space of uncertainty
this is the face of hope and strength for the days yet to come
all in one man, that god sent when you were 13
Fight the fear, drown the insecurities
focus on the now and present
live everyday like it was the last
so that when you close your eyes to sleep at night
you are not afraid of losing, of not doing enough
walk with him, he wants your hand
believe in him like he believes its you
be in love. soak in faith.leap with hope,
into this future, into his arms
okaerinasai darling
Wednesday, April 09, 2008 / 9:02 AM
hip hip hurray! blog's been thru surgeon jeremy neo's hands and at 3am this morning, has been restored to normality!! thnx baby! :)
stormy the past few days, like the weather outside,
like the rain that poured yesterday,
so uncertain...so sudden
like a baby, i toyed with my footing,
finding back my steadiness, being strong again after a tumble
of doubting, then asking, checking and thinking again
im feeling you again..feeling us
it's you dear. now im sure
it's you i found, after my thoughts and feelings got sorted out
it's you dear, the one i want to wake up to,
i didnt think you felt the same
when i looked at the sleepyheaded, blur you
transform to be smart and suave this morn
i felt the tingle of contentment, like a child with her favourite toy
when i woke up, and saw you through my sleepy eyes,
bliss crept in and made me sure that this was the future i wanted
it's you dear, the one i want to wake up to
it's the calls you make, to share moments of your busy day
it's the sms-es you send, to lift me up on a school day
it's the meals we have, and watching drama serials together
they push out the load in my mind
and when i see my hand entwined in yours
when i see you in my head, with me right beside
dancing to the samba beats
i laugh to myself
tickled and glad
glad that we have really, truly walked through the cobbles and rocks
to waddle and enjoy our journey through the soft smooth sand again
and there might be rainy days again,
dark clouds may come crowding in
but i know, this time,
it won't be about anyone else cept us
cuz after waiting...wandering...waiting
i know now,
that you know it too
that we both know
we won't give each other up
not for anything in the world
there's no more looking back, no more whatifs, we have moved on from the past and doubt
and guess what, just like god led you on this path...he has kept us going strong! and i know he will
my dear..i love you
yesterday, tomorrow, forever
Monday, April 07, 2008 / 10:24 AM
the end is where we held hands at mass, and listened intently,
to God, to each other,
watching you doze off, nodding to the comfort of the aircon
..holding my hand....
the occasional peeks we steal from the corner of our eyes
the beauty is where we laid to rest the tired eyes and minds
where in our memories was not pain, nor fight,
but the knowing that things were fresh like the floweres,
colourful like the petals,
things between you and i, were going to be renewed,
like our hearts, like our determination
it was praying with you, and casting our every care, concern, wish and desire
not just for you n i, but all we love
April 6th
a day where we learnt and lost
lost the old, wrong, and forgotten
....
a day where we learnt to give, forgive and love again
this is the time i hold you in the open of my palm
fingers uncurled
no chains, no bounds,
this is the time, i know i can let go
and you can choose to do what you can to stay
this is truly your choice
to protect, defend, and love again
not just with the emptiness of your words
but truly with your heart, mind and soul
not to repeat the mistakes
but grow from strength to strength
with me hovering in front, beside and behind you alwaz :)
Tuesday, April 01, 2008 / 6:57 AM
how emotions welled and pain arose,to be mad at you, at myselfit took this much for me to knowthat truly, i was in love with youit meant giving up a huge part of me,the baggage that i carried all this timethe hurt from before, your choices, your liesbut it all came to an end,i really wanted to let it go, because it meant better for you, me and usand in all dilemmas, i found my conviction in your lovethe one that has been growing deeper quite unknowinglythe one which reflected how much i loved you tooand in the beauty of giving up what was easy, to doing what was difficult for the both of us,we knew, that the hands held firmer, the kisses rendered more dearly than everwe knew, that this love would walk on stronger, for many more milesand in the gentle purring of the cold air descending and comforting us through the nightwe fell into deep sleep, knowing that all was calm again...If love meant sacrifices,this one id do it for you whole heartedlydifficult as it may be, pride gnawing as it getsas long as dear, it means we have one huge thing less to make us fight and get angryin making peace, they took that walk down the same street,under the same blanket of starsjust like the way he gently asked her to be his gal the first timethey walked hand over each others' waists,sometimes, tightening,sometimes, loosebut taking the same slow walk, the same slow chat,they knew they'd never let go
lovely sunday at del mar
where two bums lazed and chilled
enjoying the breeze and sunshine on our faces...just catching every precious second in our hands
