yet your defences, tight like a fortress, towering over you.
Pride and anger hover over
casting shadows.consuming the child in you
the child that should be heard and listened to
the child that should be laughing and not drying tears
im praying hard that i would know what to do and say
Lord bless my actions, words i pray
for the troubled saplings i meet
Monday, January 28, 2008 / 9:03 PM
It was still early, on this humid Mon night.
After tucking into a sumptuous home made meal, prepared by his mother,
the martian decided to plonk himself right into bed.
Not long after, his rail of snores began.
Tortured, the lil one sat on the floor, the patch just beside him
typing away, preparing what was needed the next day.
Wanting to drown out his heavy breathing and mumbles,
She immersed herself in work, singing a tune in her head as she went about her chores.
Time blinked past quickly, as more stars began peeping out through the clouds.
It was 9pm, earth time by reymond well,
She quickly turned to nudge the martian awake.
but alas! he was too sound asleep..mumble, mumble, mumble.
It was a futile attempt to get him up, beyond the usual martian jibberish, which got both laughing for awhile.
He fell back into deep sleep..
Once again...the deep breathing...hardly any stir. nor tossing
and the lil one..bored, grouchy from the humid weather
entertained herself with this
and she became happy once more..laughing to herself. and her grin became wider, when she felt that heavy head plonk on her shoulder, right next to her.
chelle: sometimes, a simple hug and a kiss says it all..
jem: n sometimes, ur more than i cld eva hope 4
Sunday, January 27, 2008 / 4:02 PM
bah..rainy, wet, sunday. your work couldn't get any worse.
marking it simply spoilt my already grouchy morn.
and it's the end of another weekend. bah :(
Saturday, January 26, 2008 / 9:16 PM
the good and the mad. the sane and the bad.
wheeeeeee! it's another weekend! no nagging, no strained voices
just an anniversary dinner, movies, photos on a train, new hair, new yello dress, ice cream etc...
Friday, January 25, 2008 / 10:22 AM
Rebels without a cause shut your ears to sweet voices, Close your heart to patience choose to continue in destruction sink and drown.
Stubborn, unchanging obstinate to believe that it's you we are changing you flatter yourself, you think too highly you are just another character we bother now, and wen we give up that's the end.
You don't see you in the mirror, Your biggest failure the mistake to appreciate the faults and blame the world for them your vibes stink, your words unintelligible. you are but another undeveloped seed, who chose to throw yourselves among the stones
We ruin you mornings we pick on your faults What do you expect? Respect? Respect, when you've done nuthing to change? Respect, when you expect things to be the way you want? wake up from your delusions the world doesnt work this way you might have been naive and innocent now you are plain stupid for choosing such a path to take every morning, every day
i cant help but stand right behind and roll my eyes at you, fool.. for all the things you could be and could have but have chosen to forfeit with your kind of attitude
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 / 2:02 PM
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 / 5:26 PM
so you found this scroll of thoughts, my thoughts. the ones only my closest can pop by and see so you saw the pictures and now have painted images of me i don't know if you've begun judging, begun measuring the person you think i am im just being honest here, im your teacher, but im just michelle here. (the one who walks sweet and talks funny according to some.
Lessons with you alwaz resemble a mini turmoil, mini people with big voices, big lungs, big dreams. :) you have bigs shirts and mini skirts too sum of you :P
but enuff about you...it's been a long day at school. i just want to be chelle now, preparing lessons for you munchkins, but enjoying the company of my lappie, blogspot and music.
My tues of another week. But it'll be one il remember and keep. it's your blog i read, labelled Jan 21st the one that made this grin stretch from ear to ear you are one martian i cant understand sometimes, and the martian people may not like i, alright we, have been through rounds of disapproval, still under scrutiny and doubt rollercoaster rides, years of being liminal, uncertain. honestly. sometimes i cant quite figure what keeps us hanging here. now. not apart yet. i guess im nt too bothered getting the ABCs of our r/s, just keeping my head in prayer, my smile intact, my mind clear of green sludge you jap wanna be, Mr Yello, fatty, gorgeous,martian all in one. you the one who creeps ever so silently, subtley into my mind, out of nowhere, without warning, whose goofy grin appears in mid sentence, aishiteru, and unlike you i cant write that YET. AISHITERU, but like you, i mean every word i said.
Sunday, January 20, 2008 / 12:38 PM
When life is perfect for me
When the sky outside is that soothing mix of blue and white
with enough clouds to cover some rays
i have a perfectly blended cuppa
i am at my favourite chill out spot
i see my best gurlie just outside
i am listening to my fave tunes
i am focused on my work
i feel beautiful, fresh and delightful
:)
Saturday, January 19, 2008 / 11:48 AM
what a gentle sight! heart warming to watch them careful in their steps, their palms extended, alwaz ready to catch hold of the elderly.. the linguistically inclined put their third and fourth languages to good use today, impressive. :)
the students in their uniforms, dancing to the medley of hokkien guas :) mimicking, as if on their own stage at the back of the hall. such is the vigour of the young, so unconcious, some natural... just swaying to the beats of these unfamiliar tunes, and laughing along with their fellow mates.
We make the best of everything, tired, sleepy as we may be. We adapt and learn, we allow ourselves to find joy in things we dread like having that beautiful set of whites, after the painful months of visiting the orthodontist, bearing the label of being metal mouth.
an amazing trait to have, and im determined to be this way too, to never turn away from what seems daunting, unpleasant.. to not say no, as i do so often to be like the young ones who taught me today. to see the grace n life in every breath, every act
Thanx lil ones:: the pests in class:: the leaders today::
::inside of my heart im feeling
that tingly bliss, that cheery feeling
where the world becomes a mix of pink and yello
where everything seems to come aglow::
::i watch them through this tinted lenses
glad to turn mundane into blessings
to catch the morning whiff of fresh air,
forgetting the dread of being under covers, on a rainy weekend::
::and parts of last night comes back to me
the walk in the chilly friday breeze
when we laughed in the car, in the room, under covers,
where night becomes my yellow, green and blue::
::3 nights of blessings, all in a row,
im luckier than most, that much i know
the kids drive me up the wall sometimes,
but when i meet u, u just make things right::
::let's hope these good days last
let's not neglect God's blessings and forget to pray
the negative me would fear this to be the calm b4 the storm
but learning to trust, im just going to enjoy all these moments of bliss with u::
::so many new things you're learning, picking up and life just becomes more enriching and motivating. Don't lose that vigour, don't let tiredness wear you out. As much as we are in 2 different worlds, doing all so different things, im looking back and feeling glad. Glad that our paths met, that we are still besties...and like in the movie i loved so much as a child::
::and I'll be right behind your shoulder,watching you
I'll be standing by your side in all you do
and I won't ever leave
as long as you believe,you just believe::
Thursday, January 17, 2008 / 1:52 AM
Like a date...just jem and chelle..dressed up, after school
My midweek was a real sweet one. And i can only thank him for it..Wait. Thank HIM, rather. for the classes i met today and the lil pourings of satisfaction i derive from lil things like holding their attention. of course i thank the lord for you too, because you were sweet enough to fetch me from school, bring me out shopping...and like we both agreed, it felt like a date.
From having to pick out what to wear, to taking turns at treating-you paying for movies and i treating you to waraku. In a big way, i thank god for cancelling that movie. :) so we had more time to wander, you had time to get a piercing. (which i think makes you look like a complete player, but a cute one at that *hee)
Looking back, im thankful that it didnt rain tonight. Instead, under another clear velvet night sky, sprinkled with stars, we were able to chill at the roof terrace at the esplanade. The chatter and teasing, so typical of us, but i really treasure the moments where we talked, about us, about me, my work, your inputs about what i could be, how i could improve. Chatter about you, your silliness, our bitchiness. How our chatter brought us back to the past, and stirred in us the want to appreciate the present even more. and right at this very juncture, where ure snoring so gently, barely a metre away, i relish the present, where im yours and you're mine. Where we both smile at the thought of each other, and feel happy that we are in love. Im falling slowly, but surely in love, with that smile of yours, the tight hug you offer, the promises and certainty you're giving..and right now, i just wanna indulge in this warmth n love.
So many happy scenes, playing in my head, back and forth, keeping me rocking on..just you and me, under the stars, holding hands, occasional banter and mindless chatter. Sometimes, i keep quiet and let my mind wander. Or simply look at you and just smile...contented with what i have now...and refusing to think further more than the present.
Thanks dearest for going places with me tonight, for minding me when im tired and whiny. Thank you for being patient about my other sides, off moments, and always ready to reassure me..
i hope i can keep you...or should i hope?
TGIF
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 / 9:44 AM
i saw you through the mist this morning, your rosy glow, pale in contrast to the colours of those blocks and buildings subtle and silent, unprotesting to your splendour being hidden behind the concrete and cement
the perfect backdrop, to this urban island, still unawaken, snoring in their slumber they would have missed out on your soothing touch soothing to the grumpy ones at the busstop, early in the wake of the morning soothing to the tired ones, sleepy on the bus soothing, to the ones on the road, in the comfort of the aircon
and as the sun rose, higher n higher into the sky you faded away with the glaring light from pink to yellow you left behind the warm trail of the sun your gentleness reminds me of the breeziest night subtle like the stars that hangs so bright. your pink soothing touch, like the breeze that caresses a refreshing indulgence.
Ms Lin is drained by the lessons today, wanting already, to hide away. A corner with familiar faces, good music, and nibblets for my palettes. Im counting down to the weekend, slumped in my chair, a pathetic sight indeed. In my mind, i have already left school. Im wandering down the streets, watching people, with my fav cuppa in hand. I'm sitting by the sea, listening to the crashing waves and writing away in her diary. I am in bed, listening to the rain falling so gently outside. I am..so far away from where i really want to be.
the smell of rain, would not be the same it would not just be a smell i welcome, a warning from nature it would remind me of your promise how you took that 1 minute, just to stand at your gate, taking in the wind, and the clouds rolling quickly overhead. and breathing each second as the sky turns darker I would think of how you put that arm around my shoulders, and firmly said to let even rain clouds and the smell of a coming downpour, remind me of you.
no more nonsense, you didnt want us to be this way no more like in the past, you say here i am holding on to every word..said in the moment, where your heart meets mine. where it means volumes of love n hope for you, you us. and in this safety nest you build, il learn to fly, il learn to be strong il keep my heart and mind open...to keep this love true for you, for me, for us...
Have you ever seen the sky so beautiful, colorful, wide and wonderful Have you ever felt the sun shine so brilliantly, raining down oh the unity Have you ever wanted more? You've got to keep your mind wide open all the possibilities You've got to live with your eyes open believe in what you see Think of all the days you've wasted worrying, wondering, hoplessly hoping Think of all the time ahead, don't hesitate, continplate, no its not too late Have you ever wanted more? Don't you know there's so much more Tomorrows horizons Full of surprises Don't let them chase your dreams away
and like in these words, that keeps the hope in tomorrow il hide away my fears, so that darkened skies won't come my way and wen they do, il call for you and at the sight of you, sunshine will come shining through
Sunday, January 13, 2008 / 11:51 AM
Il Divo - Somewhere
There's a place for us Somewhere a place for us Peace and quiet and open air Wait for us somewhere
There's a time for us Some day a time for us Time together and time to spare Time to learn, time to care
Some day, somewhere We'll find a new way of living We'll find a way of forgiving Somewhere
There's a place for us Somewhere a place for us Time together and time to spare Time to learn, time to care
Some day, somewhere We'll find a new way of living We'll find a way of forgiving Somewhere
Hold my hand and I'll take you there Somehow, some day Somewhere
i couldn't resist turning to you again. The romantic, heart stirring tunes of Pachelbel, Moonriver, and a new song i stumbled upon, Il Divo's Somewhere, is welcoming the sunshine into the lil one's lazy sunday morning...
Songs in the morning, Stars at night, Friends around me, your hand in mine...around me at other times. I'm just thanking my angels and HIM for giving me all these to recharge for the coming week..
After the days of heavy rain, HE has blessed us with beautiful sunsets, which brought along the breathtaking starry skies. And under the blanket of stars, il remember the conversations, the lil walks, with the breeze in our hair..il hold onto the promises, the pecks of love. I may not see the future, but right now, i can see only you. In the present, right here next to me, sitting across me. You, with your silly grin, and occasional whine.
Fingers are crossed, prayers are made. Im never taking any second for granted. Nor any laughter and banter. chelle. keep the energy, the positive energy, enough for the both of you. You want to be his strength so you have to be strong inside too. :)
..where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me...
Friday, January 11, 2008 / 7:55 AM
the last ray of light in the dimming sky the glowing clouds, their last wave goodbye..
i stood and watched the final moments seconds before Night arrived i watched you depart with that rosy glow in my heart, i wished you wouldnt leave so
Hours later, with your trace completely erased, i looked up again, out of chance, out of curiousity. The spread of pink had turned to diamonds on velvet small, but bright, the stars contrasted against the backdrop of the vast and dark night
you caught me again, unaware, you attention seeker, i just cant help but stare i wonder if God was simply showing off his miraculous work of art and in the blank of that moment, there was only awe and the steady beat of my heart i wondered if time would just stop just enclose me within the width of the beauty just stop me at the precise moment of not wanting more just me, swept away in your splendour, no more wishes, no other hopes.
can happiness not be like you? short and fleeting, momentary can you let me soak longer in bliss? and not make me feel like a fool when i relish? it's been rollercoaster rides, one incident after another the smile i wear on my face, doesnt show the toll on my heart
just like the sun and stars, that take turns to shine my smile cannot last, morning to night it fizzles out when im on my own, when you're not with me, this heart cannot hold it's beautiful moments, built on weak foundations too many tremours recently, the after shock, the low rumbles...
after the recent downpour, the rainbow did appear i thot it would last, i wish it did you being shaken only shook me more In your uncertainty, i hoped to be your strength In your uncertainty, you don't see, you don't mean it, but you took my rainbow away
i feel like itsy-bitsy spider... climbing so hard already one downpour was all it took...
now im tired, il still smile.. il walk on, slower with each mile. when it gets worse, il rest awhile when iv reached the end, il stop in my tracks take dat breath and ....
and to dear mr bunny and his loyal friend, thanks shu, for reminding me that life aint gotta be bitter sweet, it can be like super lemon! all that is sour, will eventually end up sweet...
yello fella...sometimes i really just feel this way about you, about us
Love Theme---Cinema Paradiso
Thanks for the recommendation, for still knowing what i like...for being able to still make me laugh out loud so easily...some things really don't change..and coach, i hvnt said this to you before...but im really proud of what you've accomplished till now...im really happy that things are looking up for you now..
i can breathe better now, less tensed, less emotional..
i can smile now,and laugh with you, and see the yellow and lil light in my night
i can hold your hand now, and feel that familiar sense of bliss
i can sit beside you now, just going about the usual routine of meals and short walks, but feel overwhelmed with a sense of relief that last night is over.
i can wander inside the fridge of a cold storage, and be happy simply at the thot that im with you.
i can listen to your stories, with ease now, not turning green.
but as things start to look up, i don't want to forgt god again,
i dun want to wander too far from His sight,
i dun want to miss out the stars at night.
i want to keep the twinkle in my eyes,
the wriggle in my nose.
the smile that we share
the jokes only you n i know..
and above all, i want you to be happy, to be free from burdens of the past,
i want you to be satisfied and at ease with yourself and people around you
free your heart from the shackles of greed, jealousy, selfishness,
be the boy i noe, who runs free-spiritedly in your heart, and the man i trust, who is working hard at achieving what he set out to.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008 / 7:39 AM
LETTING GO.
One of the greatest lesson one can learn in life. and recently, i finally learnt it too. Letting go, and letting God take control...Rather than play tug-of-war, rather than cling onto what you want, sometimes, the best thing to do, is just to let go. I used to believe in fighting for what you want. I used to believe that Man shapes his own destiny. But recently, through tough lessons, i realised that the best i could do when i wanted something so bad, is juz to let go and pray for god to do his will. Your will be done...something i repeated so many times in the past week, more than i ever did in all my 24 years. Your will be done, the mantra repeated outta plea, outta desperation, outta the sense of loss which i cannot control. It's been humbling, mind opening, heart pounding...its been against my will, battered inside and out. Yet, it's been the one most impt decision iv made. It's the most important lesson iv learnt, that above all that's tough and against what i want or don't. iv learnt, im capable of letting go, and in so, of letting you have the space and time to love, live and breathe as well. God alone knows how much more is coming my way...Maybe this is the end of the trial, maybe it's just the beginning. iv stopped overnight to plan for tomorrow, to see the path il walk. Im starting to tread carefully, one step at a time, caution, nervous, subdued..Still learning to cope with this new approach to life, cuz my heart now, doesnt seem to have the capability to take on anything more. Leaps of faith...belongs to Yesterday.
Monday, January 07, 2008 / 1:31 PM
like candy in the store all of them still new and gleaming all shapes and sizes, colours and tastes all them in the store, waiting to be bought... and like any buyer with a sweet tooth, i wanted to buy them all that's me, the teacher who wanted to reach out to all of them within my 1st 50 mins with them that's them, in all shapes, sizes, sitting there, whether they wanted it or not. and when the bell struck at 1320, i could only smile and heave a sigh of relief, Bye all, with a smiley face, behind the lappie, a different drained face Just one day, of teaching, of learning, of remembering, Just one day and i feel so emptied of my energy... i need to regain my spirits, and renew my vibrancy i need to fly, leap and jump outta my seat.. i dont wana waste away i just wanna rant now, rest later, and recharge!!
Sunday, January 06, 2008 / 5:05 PM
and iv danced, ive laughed, ive cried so hard... my tears my smiles all blended into one.. cuz some days it can get tough, some days life juz shines and at the end to my week thankfully, joy is still mine
iv held your hand, iv let it go iv felt as if we should nt be so iv been down the drain, so stronger now den b4 i can deal with or without you im back to being confident, and much much more
and as i retreat, you lean closer in, we are still dancing our dance of life, sometimes changing beats and routines adapting, learning, getting used to you it has been more difficult, then i thought it should
but its okie dear, my frenz are still here you hold me hand at the end, before that they hugged me wen i was damned iv learnt not to lean or tumble so far ahead il let you catch up, i will wait until we walk side side, none of us, with anything to hide no fear, no lies, no doubt, no tears this love journey was not meant to be hurt iv cried my last, i think i have i think we can love each other more rightly now and for the past weekend, its juz been dat
we know how much these smiles mean we know how much the trials and reconcilation matter we treasure these moments of light heartedness and dear...above all, your question made me realize, i still love ya... and until i dun anymore, we'll juz keep dancing and working out the best formula suited fer us n we'll juz keep dancing under the stars.. and we'll juz keep dancing...our dance of life
cheerios to my gurlies, for empowering, for listening, for being the fun, gal crazy bunch...for eating gd food, cheap simple meals, for spending time and love with me...thanx berd, xiaomei, jenn, roz, adelene..cuz you all are my constant motivators, support and comfort...i had so much, it feels almost like sch hasnt started, almost...:)
Friday, January 04, 2008 / 12:42 PM
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin safe and warm
you give me feelins that I adore
It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight
thanks carol dear...for this song...and to you baby..for being you, difficult, sweet, endearing, impatient, patient, exasperating..for letting me know, above all else, i do love you
Thursday, January 03, 2008 / 12:59 PM
Your mind can never change Unless you ask it to Lovingly re-arrange The thoughts that make you blue--Massive Attack
chelle needs a change..let go, and see if it will stay.
then i stumbled upon something more positive..i thought i should add it in...
There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008 / 10:53 PM
my lil ones, deir faces, some cheeky ones, others shy...their silence, telling a million stories, unwilling, scared, nervous, uncertain..and amidst all the chaos of the brand new sch term, brand new names to match these unfamiliar faces, dat sense of gratification washes over me as i enter the sch gates, only to be greeted by the ones i painfully taught, laughed hard with the year b4.."Sec 3 already" i thot to myself, i hope your year ahead goes well, juz as i pray fer mine.
i smile, fer the angelic reminders of why i love my job...i smile, fer the sense of ownership i haf in my new form class..and i think to myself...(no, not a wonderful world) but woah, who would have imagined, the rebel councillor, the A.maths failure, now a form teacher.. i smile again, thinking back on my panic today..the constant thoughts running thru my head, planning the sequence of events in class, the right things to say, without losing their interest...in the end, it all came out right. Letting them take ownership of the class, having them volunteer their ideas, letting my guard down and cracking some jokes in between, sometimes adding that tinge of sarcasm...so far so gd..today has been a gd start..:) and i smile again, fer dat momentary self satisfaction
and if all of this werent enough, even in the toilet cubicle, i find a msg dat hits me, "a creed to live by" juz behind the door, and it makes my insides tick. Isnt this what has been bugging me these days, isnt this what causes me to be unhappy with myself and indirectly/ directly, you? and dear god, is this your gentle reminder to me, to push me along, on this tired, sleepy new day? these gentle words goes:
Do not underestimate your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important only you know what is best for you. Do not take for granted the thing closest to your heart cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you will live all the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love, the fastest way to lose love is to hold to it too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings. Do not dismiss your dreams, to be without dreams is to be without hope, to be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each and every step of the way.
so yello fellow..im pausing to live by the day, to savour the present seconds, the kisses now, the hand holding and cheeky grins. im savouring the sneaky winks and the knowing glints..im savouring you, what i have of you, little or not. im taking the stroll, not completing the race..cuz i noe today but not tomorrow.
my delightful night, though long and abit tiring, my lil rough palm, fingers entwined in his, as we went couch testing, mattress testing, furniture fitting. PICTURING so many possible scenarios, and what we want in the home, some ideas coincided, others collided
but all in all, we know, its all make believe..even if the heart believes it now, the mind rejects the quick tumble into this fantasy...Life has been good, it holds its promises...occasionally, it rains on my parade, makes us worn n tired, exasperated at the other...what they can, or cannot give.
But above all, the seconds to the close of the night, its the telling in my heart, that certainty i hold, the love i know, so familiar and so real, that pounds so hard, i cant ignore its wen you sit beside and i still wana lean closer, wen you hold my hand, n i wish you won't let go, its wen you laugh and i wish the smile wun fade wen we are together and i wish the seconds wun tick
its still a new relationship, like all things new, we have uncertainties...we have unresolved issues... but you hvnt given up, tired and trying as it can get.. and its your words dat keeps me going... we will love each other right... and in many lil ways, i pray we are keeping each other afloat, in the hustle of this world, i want to be dat rock, of hope and support.. for you to take a breather, to watch the world roll by, to prop you up, wen you need a boost, to be your hiding place, wen you need a corner to turn to
and you know i love the corners you have provided me with some place to curl up, and just be me
Tuesday, January 01, 2008 / 4:36 PM
welcoming in '08, lazing in bed, with the martian beside, sound sound aslp...
i indulge in his blissful snooze, cheekily guessing in my head how long it'll take him to open those heavy lid eyes..
yup...i just want to be happy. just keep me in my lull and bliss a lil while longer...i dun wanna face the uncertain tmr...
The Girl Inside
Michelle,
seeking the best in her, yet looking at her best days unfolding right before her at the same time.
contact her at: inspiremydance@hotmail.com
"It's not how hard you fall, but how hard you fight back."
Look at the stars, and not the reflection of the moon.
~endless time in the studio
~more cuppa time with dearlings
~travel more places
~dressing up
~getting that diver's license by 2009
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the good and the mad. the sane and the bad.
