Friday, October 20, 2006 / 12:33 AM
my dearlinsg frm jitterbugz!! xiaomei is bz with As bt nv fergtten yah!! this was at holland v, tcc...after the last nite of my grad show..all these tired bt contented faces...thank god fer them!
gene n i being silly at hk cafe at cineleisure..std meal, two black pepper beef noodles, one har gow to share...n our drinks...he looked great dat day wen he picked me up frm bugz..in dat long sleeve n all..
the night after the concert...wahhh craasshed at his place with ah xuan n jasmine b4 we went fer hip hop the nex morn..hahah dance nv ends,..this was at HANS at marina sq..gd old brekkie..
at the semi finals of OVERDRIVE with my dearest dance mate and choreographer ah xuan!!
haha after being impressed the shit out of our minds at forbidden city, we await the arrival of our star ah xuan!! haha wads betta to chill den over my fave butter toffee cookie at mrs fields! it rox!!
at overdrive with dat sum1 dat drives me in dance, dat pushes me with his energy at dance class..thanx 4 being more den a fren, more den a dance mate, thanc fer being an inspiration..
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 / 9:54 AM
*phew* sucha relief dat the concert is finally over...dun gt me wrong, i already miss the daptees and the free lessons, but the concert was just causing too much anxiety..i noe probably cuz i dunno hw to cope..bt at the same time, i felt like i had to mk a point on stage u noe..like my 1 and a half hr on stage has to highlight my effort and sacrifices for the entire year!!! it had to answer for y i missed gatherings with my council peeps, missed mass with my family, missed family gatherings..so yup the stresss was killing me..the fear of nt making it terrified me, dreamt of falling offstage and all during my turns....eeeeks,.still shudder at that thot..
bt its during this period of time dat iv also witnessed much love and definitely god's saving grace. My family came to watch the show on sat!! including grandma who nv saw me dance b4..she used to (actually she still does) tell me nt to dance so hard, dun tire myself out..n in my hrt, the concept of nt doing dance, or doing it less juz doesnt click with me..i hope she saw the hard work n if she enjoyed what she saw den all my hardwork wld have been worth it. i noe my dad n mum were really proud of me..haha mum said sumthing abt me doing ballet on that same stage during one ballet summer school wen i was 10 mayb? haha yah..n hw i was so stiff n uncomfortable den..,n dat night on the same stage. they saw their gal floating across the stage..hahah u noe parents are biased...so is my blog...hahah i juz had to mention it...
Of coz, what else better den haf supportive dance mates and frenz screaming ur name, cheering u on the moment u step on stage..i felt so loved!!! n it juz pushed me more on stage...speacial mention of the goregous babes i grew up with in danceblast! they really saw me thru this whole journey, from the doubts i had over whether to go fer the scholoarship program, to the final product...shuyi, chubby, maki, roz, xuanjie, jen jen...i noe i made u all worie at some pt...bt thank god fer u all!! thanx fer the flowers, the cookie, the card which i bring along evrywhere i go to remind me of the love i haf, teh pooh pen, the endless affirmations iv received from u all!! couldnt keep the disapptment fer long when i came out teary eyed after the performance..
and saw u all, thinking of hw to present me my many gifts!! thanx sweethearts!! to the hoods, ex hoods, caleb idil saladin alamin!! and ahmad!!!!!! thanx fer coming!!! i noe: Congraduation to me!!! and to shaun who came on fri night with berd..thanx fer making me feel like a real star..fer believing in me...means sooooo much..i noe u even if one day no one understds or if evryone juz walked away, u will still b dere pushing ur plushie along...i hope u find what u want in life, hope u find what satisfies and sustains u in life...rem passion can only tk u that far..sumtimes u haf to gt out of ur comfort zone to acomplish greater heights...n i noe ure capable of it as long as ure willing to put ur heart to it....aftter all the blubbering, hw can i fergt abt HO SHU HUANG?! hahah first time im receiving flowers on stage leh..touched!! n carol n keith..im so glad u guys were here to share dance with me..even if its juz dat night..im glad u c my hardwork, my determination..n i hope i din disappt u..
last bt not least, hw can i not mention the 11 of us who made the shgow possible..n all the supporting crew...especially props and costumes!! tahnx qiaowei...quick change wld haf been impossible wiithout u..really..juz thinking of that stack of costumes strewn on the floor waiting fer wash...ahhh such an agony! haha..to all buggies...im glad we tahan the whole journey..im glad it turned out betta den expected and its been grt esp during this period of time, to b training and working our butts off on the same stage...n i noe jitterbugs is only another push fer all of us to climb higher and achieve more in our dance journey...take flight....it juz started!!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006 / 4:12 PM
i just needed to write...do sumthing dat dsnt involve dance, nor sch work...i just need my spot to rant...to whine and feel sorrie for myself..n if ure already starting to judge me, den pls just stop reading...cuz its my blog, 4 my indulgence....
i think iv hit my limit...limit where michelle falls below her average...where she cant juggle...im dozing off in classes...even at group meetings...i nv thot i wld write and doze off in the midst of my sentence..bt judging by the unsightly and unintelligible notes iv been tking (most of them in my slp), its depressing to admit that im such a loser....
we talk about freeloaders in nie...talk about ppl in the group who juz dun tk enuff responsibility, dun do their work, dun contribute as much...dat will b me,.....
we talk about uncommitted, selfish dancers, dancers who care more about their dance then how the production runs...datl b me too...
yup disgraceful but i gotta admit...within these circles that im so entrenched in, ive become just a nobody, undeserving of respect, object of gossip etc etc...and well just gotta tk it isnt it, afterall, its my fault that im nt efficient as others, cant juggle with waking up earli enuff to travel to the god-forsaken hell hole in the west of this island...i mean even as im typing this, the other voice in my head reminds me that the other dancers have been slping late, waking early and they haf work too...dats right....so i shld stop bitching abt life....bt really, i cant tk leave cuz im paid...unless i broke a leg, or my family died of which i need to prove using documents.....i cant nt do work cuz its grp work....i really prefer if it was my own responsibility....bt no..now ms lin is just the gal who dozes in class and dun do work...iv just been ruching back n forth that im nowhere..belongs no where, no place...n now really belongs to no one...its official...permenant timeout...
yet amidst all this, iv gt frenz who are so sweet i cant understd y...i cant understd y they wld want to watch me dance, y they wld buy chocz fer me wen they c me stressed and zoned out in sch...wen i end up bawling at rehearsals and sum1 will be on the other end of the phone to listen...mayb its godz way of telling mi dat even cmi cases deserves frenz...but sumtimes it juz mks me more guility...mks me question their sincerity.,..those faces...wen they care abt me, do they complain abt me behind my back too? i dunno..these questions mk me more insecure...bt still if i believe enuff and juz indulge in the moment..il believe i haf forgiving and understding frenz...
bt i noe i do...chubby also hates this side of me, this side of michelle that is selfish n dun think of the big picture...so thank god for all the daptee souls working hard, working late during this entire period...cuz michelle is juz a selfish dancer...n nt a gd one at that...the past mth juz hvnt been gd...
iv been breaking down after reh...y cuz i think i suck...truly truly suck at dance...no matter hw iv psyched myself up b4 class..i alwaz manage to crash, to look bad in the steps...i mean wtf!! im a dancer...if i cant do admin...at least im good as a dancer...bt right now...dats the last thing i look...i cant dance the level i shld, i dun do the things i do, i dun complete the tasks i need...michelle is juz nuthing..nuthing to be proud of...juz enjoy the fleeting sporadic happy moments ard wen frenz laff..at u, or w u...
being bz is not n excuse...being tired isnt an excuse...cuz in my head, there will alwaz be ppl who are more tired, bzier...bt still doing well...bt i need to find back me, the dancer..if nt other things...cuz thats still the best of the lousy things im gd at....
anyway i think all my frenz, choreographers deserve this...i love the items...i do..it really grows on me..its frustrating wen i try n still dun gif u wad u want...i hate that pathetic me...bt thanx fer all the efforts into polishing the choreo n spending time day in day out to teach, to think, and to present ur best...its so honourable to c those items tk shape, and tk flight...
my dearlinsg frm jitterbugz!! xiaomei is bz with As bt nv fergtten yah!! this was at holland v, tcc...after the last nite of my grad show..all these tired bt contented faces...thank god fer them!
gene n i being silly at hk cafe at cineleisure..std meal, two black pepper beef noodles, one har gow to share...n our drinks...he looked great dat day wen he picked me up frm bugz..in dat long sleeve n all..
the night after the concert...wahhh craasshed at his place with ah xuan n jasmine b4 we went fer hip hop the nex morn..hahah dance nv ends,..this was at HANS at marina sq..gd old brekkie..
at the semi finals of OVERDRIVE with my dearest dance mate and choreographer ah xuan!!
haha after being impressed the shit out of our minds at forbidden city, we await the arrival of our star ah xuan!! haha wads betta to chill den over my fave butter toffee cookie at mrs fields! it rox!!
at overdrive with dat sum1 dat drives me in dance, dat pushes me with his energy at dance class..thanx 4 being more den a fren, more den a dance mate, thanc fer being an inspiration..
